A Lazy Parent’s Guide to Easter

For my childhood, we were given a new book instead of an Easter egg and an egg hunt I once had for my birthday party was boxes SunMaid raisins hidden in a laurel bush followed by homemade sugar-free banana bread so I am determined to be indulgent and dosed in sugar but also put minimal effort as it turns out an unexpected side-effect of a hippy upbringing is chronic laziness.

Here is my guide to a chocolate-heavy, low-input Easter fest.

Step One

Buy all the tat from Poundland. £25 should do it. Mega bags of eggs. A set of bunny ears. A set of reusable plastic spoons. Paper plates with garish gurning rabbits on. A dozen water pistols in case the weather is good.

Step Two

Cook a sty-load of sausages. Crack open a fresh bottle of ketchup. Slice up some cheap, sweet hotdog buns.

Step Three

Put a note on the door pretending the bell doesn’t work and advising people to just come in. It saves you having to hover about and sets the ‘serve yourself’ tone.

Step Four

Put the kids in front of Peter Rabbit film whilst you get your sister/other adults to scatter eggs about in the garden. Sternly discourage the children from peeking as that’ll cut down the ‘hunting’ time and that’s no good.

Step Five

Rules. Ensure they know they have to find an egg, return it to the basket and then go and find another. It ekes it out.

Step Six

Sit back. Relax. Swig beer.

Step Seven

Get a couple of the older, more savvy children to rehide handfuls of the eggs in a never ended cycle of hiding and seeking. If the younger children lag, feed them a few eggs and pip them up again for another round. Keep relaxing.

Step Eight

When the novelty fades or the penny drops, it’s time for another game. Line them up line a firing squad, give each child a spoon and an egg and then tell them that the tree in the far distance and if they drop their egg they have to start again. This can occupy at least three days. Voila!

Step Nine

They’re pooped. They’ve covered at least 8km. They need carbs. Serve up those hotdogs. They’re nice and cool by now so no fussing. No cutlery needed. No washing up needed. Smug.

Step Ten

There isn’t a step ten. You don’t want to be reaching double figures if you’re lazy. You want to just catch the last of the sun’s rays and watch over-hyped, sugar-giddy children tear around the garden whilst you and the other adults graze on cold sausages and the smell of Spring.

March Favourites

Guys, I’ve had hundreds DMs asking me about the MIA March Favourites – I haven’t forgotten, hun!

So here, at last (emoji!), is the tat I loved in March

Podcast

This has had.me.howling. It is essentially two people laughing at their own jokes and you will love it. Please download immediately and snortle away.

Lipstick of the Month

Laura Mercier Extreme Matte in Control. Worn it to down to a nub and still adore it. It sticks through everything- put it on at lunch and it was still on after CrossFit that night- wall balls couldn’t sweat this bad boy off.

Book of the Month

I’ve just finished The Familiars and enjoyed it. It’s set amongst the Pendle Witchcraft trials and King James’ persecution of women under the guise of witchcraft. The protagonist is fun and smart and angry and I liked her. It’s well-paced and shows how grim and dull life was. Trigger warning- detailed descriptions of miscarriage.

Apparel of the Month

I need this

Drama of the Month

Removing a bird that was stuck in our chimney- a true moral dilemma with Team Light a Fire vs Team Young Ornithologist Club member. In the end, we used compromise and a duvet covet to liberate an ungrateful blackbird. And I didn’t phone my dad for advice which means I am a grown up now *takes a bow*

Desire of the Month

Our lawn is riddled with moss which taunts me and I am dreaming of a scarifier which means I am my dad now *takes a long moment to reflect*