Ranking the Rankness

I am rank. I don’t shower every day. The best thing anyone’s every taught me is how to wash with just one Wet Wipe. I never change my bed sheets. I squeeze my spots. I’ve had the same mascara since year 9. I am rank.

These truths have ever been thus. Even before children. And now I’ve two little scuzzbags to add to the mix things have deteriorated further.

So, to celebrate just over 33 years of being rank, I have ranked the top three rank parts of my home. Enjoy

Bronze Award…the top of the buggy

This useful fold in the buggy hood houses a full range of rankness: old nappies, half-chewed snacks, wet wipes saturated in spilt yoghurt. Any number of foul things get tucked in to this fold until I pass a bin. Felt some full on shame on the school run when it started to rain and I had to unpeel this hood with a wafty crackle. Lowest moment was def finding a cheesy bottle of milk festering in there for a bout of the summer. Gag.

Give you a quid if you lick it?

Silver Award…Car Seat

I always marvelled at how much my food-refusing toddler would eat in the car. I’d sling handful of snacks at him and he’d beg for more. When the warmth of summer cooked up a foul stench from my Citroen I snapped on a bio hazard suit and revved up the Dyson and unearthed layers of snacks like sediment rock. Wotsits, oat bars, Pom Bears, Smarties, apple slices*, Chipstix and cake were carefully wedged in to the buckle gap and slipped between car seats and squiged in to the door. It was foul.

*not really- just put that in there so you’d think he got healthy snacks from time to time.

This is what was under it.
Gold Award…bottom of bags

I reckon I have lost WELL over £15 worth of loose change because I haven’t been able to bring myself to dip my hand in to the foulness that is the bottom of a well-used day out bag. I have never been one of those nappy bag users so always relied on slinging snacks and nappies in to a cotton shopper. Sometimes I forget to unpack the last one and just dig out another for the next outing. What happens is that the crumbs and crud left in the previous one start to rot and congeal. What’s left at the bottom is the Eau de Parfum-the essential oils- of parenting: sand, old satsuma, piss-soaked nappy, crumbled fruit bar, and a car caked in cake. Mmmm mmm. Early on, I was scraping formula power off a £2 coin when I had an epiphany: I would pay £2.50 not to be doing this. Since then, I’ve not looked back l and now just let those loose coins jingle until my five year old wants a Ninjago magazine and then I tell him he can have any cash he finds in the bottom of the bag. I may be rank, but I’m clearly a genius.

So there you have it- my full rankness laid bare. Leave in the comments the rankest thing you’ve ever done or how much you’d pay someone to defumigate your car or if you’ve ever licked someone’s blister for a dare and so on.

4 thoughts on “Ranking the Rankness

  1. Pahahaha. This is amazing.

    I regularly wipe my kids nose with my fingers then wipe it on my own clothes. Rank? Nope. I don’t even blink an eyelid anymore.

  2. Leila, not just this morning I picked my own nose and wiped it on A’s pjs. We are rank together- but are we colleagues together now? please say yes!

  3. Daughter pissed herself in my car a few years ago and it was like a giant horse piss so it soaked into everything. Occasionally I have to give normal, clean people’s children a lift in my car and they gag when they climb into the backseat: warm, sour, incontinence smell, mingled with 3 week old leaky open fruit pouches, soft crumbled mini cheddars and a line of crusty bogies that the teen kids wipe off under their seat. I always hire a nice new car for holidays.

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